Ahhhh, Westeros. Are you constitutionally capable of having at least one boring, uneventful wedding?
To be fair, it wasn’t technically a wedding, but rather more like the rehearsal dinner. It definitely wasn’t as gutwrenching as the Red Wedding, and while a Joffrey lay dead at the end of it, it wasn’t nearly as satisfying as the Purple Wedding.
So what of this “Green Wedding”?
Green because if we are to pick a colour we may as well choose the hue worn by Queen Alicent in her first big f***-you moment of the series, not to mention the green-eyed monster that was unleashed in Ser Cristan Cole, and even perhaps how sickly green Viserys looked by the end of it all.
Coming as it does, right in the middle of the season, the wedding is less carnival and more crucible, a bubbling stockpot of secrets and resentments.
Brutal as it was, Ser Criston’s repeated haymakers to Joffrey Lonmouth’s moneymaker were really just the superficial spillover. Familial ties were being broken as much as being made during this episode by many things apart from brute-force violence.
Egos, particularly bruised male ones, are a central theme to this episode.
There’s a popular phrase about hell having no fury like a woman scorned, but it turns out the fragile temper of men can do some pretty intense damage.
For starters, look at Lady Rhea Royce.
Immediate badass.
A horsewoman and hunter who brooks no fools, I was excited to see her introduced into the story. I was thunderingly peeved when Daemon immediately and cruelly murdered her not three minutes later.
It’s a fair criticism to suggest perhaps we should have been introduced to Rhea previously; to get a better idea of her character and so to sharpen the effect of her loss.
But I think she made an impact that rivalled the appearance of Lady Lyanna Mormont in Season 6 of Game of Thrones. She was clearly a capable, commanding woman, instantly revealing that all of Daemon’s “Bronze Bitch” insults were a sign of his flaws, not hers.
I wish she had kicked her horse around and taken off at the first sight of him, but no, she stopped to probe the reason for his return. For his part, Daemon didn’t speak once, didn’t answer her charges of abandonment or make excuses for calling the sheep of The Vale prettier.
At least she got in a good “I knew you couldn’t finish” barb at her silent spouse, referencing the, er, longevity issues Daemon has been dealing with. Gosh, no wonder he’s never attempted to consummate their marriage. If he already disliked Rhea, imagine having to deal with her knowing conclusively about his mechanical issues. His pride couldn’t take it.
As it was, just the dig was enough to seal Rhea’s fate. Perhaps she might have survived the fall off her spooked steed, but no one can survive a rock to the face. Just ask Kylie Minogue in that Nick Cave song.
There’s no time jump this episode; except for perhaps the week or two it takes to sail out to Driftmark to propose the wedding, then sail back to King’s Landing to plan the wedding.
Poor Viserys is forced to endure a vomit-inducing sea journey, which must make him yearn for his dragon-riding glory days. Clearly whatever disease is slowly consuming him has removed his ability to fly, so he now must suffer the indignity of sea travel. As someone who gets terribly seasick - despite seafaring going back at least four generations in my family - I do feel for the guy.
The King does, however, have a new Hand - or should that be Handkerchief. Lord Lyonel Strong, aka Steven Toast, has been promoted to the role, but seems less impressed having to mop up Viserys vom.
When they arrive at Driftmark, which looks awfully like Mont-Saint-Michel in Normandy, Lord Corlys is not there to greet the royal party. Lord Strong is peeved, but a now-grown Laena insists it’s just because her father has returned from a long voyage and is chilling inside. Viserys just wants to get on with it, while Laenor and Rhaenyra exchange brief, knowing glances.
You’ve got to give Viserys credit where it’s due. You could not find a sweatier, sicker-looking man, yet he pushes on, ignoring his repeated hacking cough attacks and insisting to Lord Corlys that he doesn’t need to sit down.
When Rhaenys bursts in and rushes to embrace her cousin, Viserys winces in pain as she grabs his hands and wrists. She asks if he’s well, and he ekes out the most unconvincing response since Prince Andrew claimed he lost the ability to sweat.
“No thanks, I threw up on the way here.”
Neither Viserys nor Toast had heard the news about Lady Rhea being killed in a hunting accident, but they exchange their own brief, knowing glance as the Velaryons explain the circumstances of Rhea’s death.
Viserys moves the conversation to his stated purpose: uniting the Targaryens and Valeryons through the marriage of Rhaenyra to Ser Laenor.
But Lord Corlys’ ego means he can’t simply accept the offer. He must clarify exactly what name any kids born to the pair would have. Specifically, would they follow tradition and take their father’s name?
To his credit, Viserys shows his actual negotiating skill in his response, not to mention a good piece of feminist fist-pumping too. He says the kids can be born Velaryons, but the eldest - whichever gender - will succeed Rhaenyra with the name Targaryen.
“Sounds fair,” says Lord Corlys, and Viserys retreats to bed. Rhaenys comments that it is undignified for Viserys to have to sail out to Driftmark to beg for Laenor’s hand, implying that he must really want it to happen. But she’s still wary about the match, because she knows Laenor’s “true nature”.
Hmm, always an interesting euphemism. “He’s young, maybe he’ll grow out of it” Corlys says hopefully. Oh dear, if this is what I think it is, then I’m not sure it’s going to be the same as thumb-sucking or a belief in Santa Claus, buddy.
A quick note on the production values here - I loved the halls of High Tide, the seat of the Velaryons. It’s got cool ocean theming, including a boss-ass nautilus feature piece. I’d be interested to know if it was a CGI nautilus, or a real one, as dang if I had a room big enough I would totally put a giant nautilus in it.
It turns out Rhaenyra, as a childhood companion of Ser Laenor (even though that wasn’t really shown in those early episodes), is well aware of his particular… tastes. They go for a beachwalk together, with Laenor looking 100 per cent like the sad boi he is, all big mournful eyes and full pout.
There’s a duck/goose metaphor here that I somewhat lost track of, as I’m not sure which avian option was supposed to represent which sexuality, but the upshot is Rhaenyra wants them both to be able to gorge themselves on whatever meat sticks they like.
She proposes a Lavender Marriage, which Laenor seems content with. Certainly his boyfriend, Ser Joffrey Lonmouth, thinks it’s a great deal. Laenor gets to be King Consort, and Joffrey gets to be his “sworn protector”. Joffrey is also perceptive; deducing that Rhaenyra is probably open to the idea because she has her own sidepiece.
And that sidepiece is about to start making things difficult.
Ser Criston meets Rhaenyra on the stern of their boat heading back to King’s Landing, and proceeds to pour his heart out. He literally has no armour physically or emotionally - he’s as vulnerable as he’ll ever be in her presence (well, apart from that time she rode the Cole Pole to Pleasure Central).
He spins a good fantasy about a life of freedom in Essos - eating oranges and getting married blah blah blah. Rhaenyra is visibly touched by the fairytale ending he’s concocted for them.
But he’s misunderstood her frustration about filial duty and decision-making. You can make a decision for love, not for the crown, he offers. “But I AM the crown, dude,” she responds.
Basically Rhaenyra is being every one of us who’s bitched to friends about their shitty job, but never actually quit. This is a human trait that knows no bounds of wealth or status. In fact it’s so ingrained, that if people bitch about their shitty job and then ACTUALLY quit, many of us think there’s something wrong with them.
“Listen, babe,” Rhaenyra counters. “Just because I’m dropping anchor, doesn’t mean I can’t go ashore, if you know what I mean.”
But poor Ser Criston is a simple man. He was raised to knighthood via foot soldiering. He didn’t grown up with the complicated separation of the political and personal when it comes to the love lives of royals. He just thinks if we’re in love, we should be in love. And his poor heart - and ego - does not take kindly to Rhaenyra’s offer.
“You want me to be your whore?” Ser Criston asks, tears starting to well. “But I took an oath, I’ve soiled my whitecloak, it’s the only thing I have to my name.”
He thinks by getting hitched he could restore his name, but Rhaenyra knows better. You think I would choose infamy and oranges over the crown?
Rhaenyra begins an ode to duty and history but Ser Criston is done. He claims to love Rhaenyra, but can’t accept a relationship on her terms. He storms off, presumably to have a manly weep over his rejected proposal.
Speaking of tears, let’s cut back to Queen Alicent, as she begins this episode in swathes of them as she says goodbye to her father.
She doesn’t want him to go, but he snaps that by choosing to believe Rhaenyra, she ensured he must. She may have chafed at her father’s use of her as a political pawn, but he’s still her Dad, and he’s always been there.
Otto’s last words of advice to his daughter are intense. Viserys will die sooner rather than later, but the realm won’t accept Rhaenyra. Either she must ready Aegon to rule, or see both her sons likely murdered to prevent them being seen as possible challengers. At least he gave her a hug on his departure, which is the first real physical sign of affection he’s given her all series.
She’s no doubt musing on all of this in the godswood when she has another encounter with Lord Strong’s youngest son, the one with the twisted foot.
Back in Episode 3, I predicted Lord Larys would come back into play, and now here he is, creeping around the Godswood, smelling hibiscus flowers and dangling bits of gossip in front of Alicent in the guise of providing moral support.
Now I don’t know whether to feel sorry for the guy or absolutely run a million miles from him. I’m not trying to turn a disabled person into a villain here, but Ser Larys exudes oiliness. He even says when one is not asked to speak one learns to observe, and clearly he’s been watching Alicent.
“Go on, trust me.”
If his father, as Hand, is supposed to fulfil Viserys’ wishes, and his elder brother Ser Harwin is enough of his father’s son to follow his orders, then it might make sense why Ser Larys would seek to become an ally to the Queen, even if she tries to make out like she totally has heaps of allies already, because she’s like, The Queen, ok?
But Ser Larys does spill an important piece of tea… about tea.
He tells her that Grandmaeter Mellos Yellos was ordered by Viserys to brew a pot specifically for Rhaenyra. Clearly in this universe, every woman knows immediately what THAT means. It must be a brew of Old Plantation Whoops Shhh Just Drink This And Tell No One.
A key through-line of this episode is Alicent’s satorial choices.
In the scenes with Otto and Ser Larys, she’s wearing the black, red and gold tones she adopted once becoming a Targaryen queen.
But by Viserys’ return, she’s reverted back to the teal slim-fitting gown she wore before marriage, one of her mother’s dresses Otto suggested she wear when visiting the king.
She’s wearing this when she watches Viserys step out of his royal carriage and promptly keel over - and in contrast to last episode when she personally bathed his sores, this time she doesn’t bother to go and check on him personally. Viserys asks after her, but when Lord Strong tells him she is otherwise occupied, he’s left to ruminate on whether he’ll be remembered as a good king to his Hand alone.
And she’s watching this dress when she has Important Business to discuss with Ser Criston Cole, which results in both the funniest and most frustrating scene of the episode.
“Sit next to me. It’s not awkward at all.”
She wants him to confirm whether Rhaenyra had it off with Daemon, thus requiring the previously-mentioned tea. But Ser Criston is a RIGHT BLOODY IDIOT who clearly never learned to shut up and get a lawyer, son.
Plagued with guilt, he misinterprets Alicent’s allusions to a “lapse of morals” and “errors made in the flush of youth” to mean she’s talking about him.
And so he just up and confesses. “Yep, we did it, we totally boned. We made the beast with two backs. We danced the horizontal tango. We filled the Clam Tram at peak hour. We took the King’s Road to the North. We smashed out a sweat session with extra reps and sauna to finish. We did, in fact, f***.”
Ser Criston goes on to say that it was unforgivable, and he’s totally cool if she orders his death, but maybe just don’t cut his balls off beforehand, but other than that I’m ready to die, can’t really see any other way out of it.
Alicent’s face as she processes this information and what it means is beautiful in its speedy portrayal of the seven stages of grief.
But ultimately, realising she’s been played by Rhaenyra, she thanks Ser Criston for his honesty and lets him go. He’s worth more to her now alive than dead. And it turns out she will eventually do more than just let him go, she’ll save him…
But for now…
It’s WEDDING TIME!
Question - who was flying in on the dragons to signal the start of the wedding celebrations?
Initially I thought it must be Rhaenyra on Syrax and Laenor on Sea Smoke to symbolise their impending nuptials. But with the Velaryon fleet sailing below, I realised it might be more likely to be Laenor and Laena, the siblings, arriving in town - or perhaps even their mother Rhaenys on one. After all, she was wearing a brilliant pants suit back on Driftmark so she’s clearly still a regular dragonrider.
It was super fun to watch all the High Lords be introduced by Ser Harrold Westerling of the Kingsguard (although you’d think there might be a more formal administrative position do that sort of heralding?). The Queen is conspicuously absent, but Viserys and Rhaenyra seem closer than they have been in months.
Rhaenrya rolls her eyes so hard at the sight of JASON Lannister that she nearly shatters her elaborate braided hairdo. When he congratulates the King on making a fine match for his daughter, Rhaenyra replies pointedly “I can think of no better man than Ser Laenor.” Take that, chump.
Despite - or perhaps more accurately because of - his douche-i-ness, I can’t help having a soft spot for JASON Lannister.
I mean, you’ve got to admire the balls on this guy.
Before Hobart Hightower can greet the King, he’s interrupted by Ser Gerald Royce, cousin to the late Lady Rhea and obviously upset about it.. Viserys is in the middle of offering commiserations when BOOM the most important guests arrive.
With their theme music, and fabulously gilded outfits, the Velaryons and their entourage make the best entrance - although JASON Lannister does do a sneaky eyeroll of his own when Rhaenyra and Laenor greet each other as “my betrothed”.
There’s one last “guest” to arrive.
Just because Matt Daemon was banished from King’s Landing last episode doesn’t mean he’s going to stay away from the place, particularly now he’s conveniently become a widower.
Viserys is clearly pissed at his bravado, but still nods to an aide to place a seat for his brother at the end of the high table. Matt Smith does “shit-eating grin” so well here.
The King begins his speech, welcoming the guests and paying tribute to House Velaryon, the crown’s fiercest ally.
But he trails off when he sees his bride appear in the entryway, clad in emerald green, and proceeds to sashay up the aisle.
“Lighting the way… to Spring/Summer fashion!”
Alicent’s colour palette change is complete, and Ser Harwin and Ser Larys prove to be the expository Stadler and Waldorf - or perhaps more accurately the Rupaul and Michelle Visage - of the Queen’s runway appearance.
The King will be angry she interrupted his speech, but more importantly, the colour the Beacon of Oldtown glows when the Hightowers call their banners for war is… green.
This is an Important Moment and the music confirms it. In a world where women’s voices are often silenced or reduced, they can make their opinions known in the manner of their dress. In this case, the Strong brothers seem to cotton on that this is not so much fashion ready-for-wear, but ready-for-war.
Alicent has also lost any real goodwill towards Rhaenyra, icily congratulating her stepdaughter on her engagement saying “What a blessing for you” before kissing Viserys dutifully on the cheek.
He finishes his speech, highlighting this is just the beginning of seven days’ of tournaments and parties, with the royal wedding at the end, and the vibe seems to return to the room. There’s tons of very meaty looking foods (possibly duck AND goose), and Rhaenyra and Laenor even kick off the dancing with a very formal prance in which they make rhythmic wing-flapping gestures and tug-of-war manoeuvers.
The dancing continues, with strong, pounding drums, and things start to get messy.
Let’s break down the timeline:
Ser Criston can’t stop staring at Rhaenyra; which leads Ser Joffrey to start staring at Ser Criston, a gradual realisation coming on.
(Meanwhile, every other Kingsguard is wearing their helmet at the dinner, except Ser Criston. Although I credit this to my helmet hair theory. Once Rhaenyra took his helmet off him, showing him how glorious his demi-mullet could truly be, he was loathe to put it on again.)
Queen Alicent goes to thank her Uncle Hobart for coming along, and that Old Town stands with her.
Ser Gerald Royce accuses Prince Daemon of involvement in Lady Rhea’s death, but it backfires when Daemon says he wants to claim his inheritance, which is Gerald’s own seat of Runestone.
Lady Laena Velaryon, who appears to have a beau or partner (is the SeaLord of Braavos mentioned last episode? He’s never introduced and never says anything), starts making eyes at Daemon. He joins her on the dance floor, telling her she’s almost as pretty as his brother. She responds by suggesting they get to know each other better.
Ser Joffrey tells Ser Laenor about Ser Criston Cole being Rhaenyra’s paramour, and delightfully refers to him as being c***-struck.
King Viserys hoes into some meat, and Alicent looks grossed out.
Ser Joffrey cosies up to Ser Criston, introduces himself as the “Knight of Kisses” and suggests they’re both invested in keeping Laenor and Rhaenyra’s secrets.
“Do you want to exchange pictures, or…?”
Rhaenyra dances with Ser Harwin Strong, and Corlys and Rhaenya seem to have a whisper about Laenor and Joffrey having a whisper while “Hey!” ing on the dance floor.
You know, he’s not half bad.
Daemon cuts in on Ser Harwin to dance with Rhaenyra. He speaks to his niece in High Valyrian, saying she does not want this marriage, and that Laenor will bore her senseless. In terms of egos, this guy’s knows no bounds. He’s quite happy to try to come on to his niece at her own wedding (to her cousin).
Rhaenyra fires back, throwing his words that marriage is just a political arrangement back at him (a lesson she learned from him during the orgy scene that’s now hilariously come back to bite him), and challenging him to cut through the guards and kidnap her to Dragonstone if he really wants to make her his wife.
Daemon grabs the side of her face in his right hand, which is more sexy than it has any right to be.
Viserys watches on intently, but the crowds soon obscure Daemon and Rhaenyra from view.
A scream bursts out.
The crowds start to push and pull.
A fight breaks out.
More screams.
Grandmaester Mellos Yellos and Lord I’M COVERED IN BEESbury shift out of their chairs ready to run.
Viserys stands demanding to know what’s happening.
Rhaenyra calls for Laenor and he gets into the fray.
Laena tries to see what’s happening and moves towards the action; Corlys and Rhaenys look on, worried.
Ser Criston, consumed by jealousy and rage, is revealed as punching Ser Joffrey in the face.
Ser Laenor tries to go for Ser Criston but is punched in the face.
Rhaenyra is shoved down next to a table.
Laenor is thrown over a table.
Corlys shouts “Stop this!” and Viserys asks “Where’s Rhaenyra?”
Lord Strong nods at his son Ser Harwin to get in there. Almost delighted to do so, he starts punching on.
Viserys starts bleeding from the nose.
Ser Joffrey is also bleeding from the nose, thanks to repeated slugs from Ser Criston.
Ser Criston holds Ser Joffrey down and appears to strangle him; then one final blow reveals a face mashed in like a watermelon dropped on concrete.
The crowd falls silent and starts to leave the dance floor.
Viserys nearly collapses.
Ser Laenor drags himself over to the body of his lover and weeps.
And someone is noticeably absent.
In the melee, where did Daemon Targaryen go?
The Rogue Prince wasn’t there at the very end, when clearly jack of the idea of seven more days of this kind of bullshit, Viserys must have insisted Rhaenyra and Laenor get hitched straightaway.
He wasn’t at the very small ceremony that featured just the bridge and groom, their parents, Alicent, the Hand and the High Septon, which was barely finished when Viserys actually collapses.
And he certainly wasn’t in the Godswood when Ser Criston Cole, the red mist having lifted, drops to his knees and pulls out his dagger, ready to send himself to the Seven Hells for his crimes.
But a gentle plea of “Ser Criston” stops him. He looks up to see Queen Alicent, her stunning dress giving him the green light to live - albeit likely with some conditions attached.
Yay! Best Moments
I have to say, I’m not sure my crush on Ser Criston is really developing after this business. I mean, Jon Snow would never… right?
But you know who is coming to the fore as a bit of sturdy dishiness? Ser Harwin Strong.
Love a dude who can rock a shawl. Or a cape. Or a travel blankie, whatever that blue thing is.
Sure, he’s a bit more rough-man-of-the-forest than tender-man-of-the-cave, but he seems to be relatively well-adjusted, not weirdly oily like his brother, and also wears his hair in the same Stark fashion adopted by Jon Snow in later seasons.
I really liked the way he just charged into the murder on the dancefloor, so he’d better not kill my groove.
Zing! Best Lines
Rhaenyra’s zinging of JASON Lannister were clearly the best, but for the most poignant, I’d have to go with poor old Viserys, who at this point you’d have to think can’t be around for much longer.
Being leeched once again for his wounds (with the grandmaester denying a younger maester’s suggestion of herbal poultices), he ruminates on whether having to deal with war and conflict would have made him a better king.
Strong: Many that are tested only wish to have been spared.
Viserys: Another lord might assure me that I would rise like Aegon the Conqueror given the chance…. You’re right, as always. ‘Tis perhaps best not to know.
He’s been a peaceful king, and somewhere deep inside he knows that no amount of bloodshed could make him a warrior king, and his ego seems healthy enough to accept Strong’s comments, not rail at them. On the flip side, at this point he doesn’t yet know how badly this wedding is going to go, and it’s crucible enough for anybody.
Ewww, gross
You don’t get more metaphorical than a rat running over to a pool of slowly congealing blood on the floor and getting stuck into it. A great final image.
Boo, sucks
I suspect there could be some concern over the fact that the show introduced gay characters then almost immediately killed off one of them.
I’m not an expert on the tropes surrounding that concept, and I’m sure there will be many more nuanced opinions than mine.
But it does strike me as less of a hate crime, and more of a jealousy crime. I don’t think Ser Criston got so worked up because he didn’t like Ser Joffrey as a gay man. I think he was enraged because his own secret was discovered, and because Ser Joffrey seemed happy to be a secret lover. He could be happy, of course, because he was a nobleman who had made no oaths like Ser Criston had.
Ser Criston continuing to be Rhaenyra’s “whore” would further sully his own inner reputation, the name he had built for himself from the ground up, his own internal narrative.
Ser Joffrey died because Ser Criston’s ego couldn’t handle any more pressure, and he lashed out. It’s not an excuse, of course. As someone with a healthy ego, Ser Joffrey couldn’t fathom the actions a desperate man might take, or that he would be the brunt of it.
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