It is a brutal business, being a royal woman.
Your body, your choices, are not your own.
The body of the Princess must be traded for advantage.
The body of the Queen must serve the realm by providing heirs.
How fascinating and timely to have an episode of House of the Dragon so neatly describe the dark side of enormous privilege, the sacrifice of their own agency royal women must endure.
Of course, a lack of wealth and status doesn’t preclude a woman from being used, abused and deprived of her liberty.
But in her Jasmine-outside-the-palace adventure, Rhaenyra saw women acting on their own desires for the first time. A door unlocked; a threshold crossed; a spark ignited.
Also…
COCKS! THERE WERE COCKS! FULL FRONTAL! DID YOU SEE THEM?!?! WILLIES! DONGS! MEAT POLES!
Ahem.
Kittens, we know I have lofty ambitions of being a serious literary writer, but also…
DICKS! SCHLONGS! UNDER THE TROUSER WOWZER SCHNAUZERS!
Ahem.
Lordy lordy, loyal kittens, Episode 4 sure delivered a fresh breath of air in the form of a dank sex pit in the Street of Silk. You could practically smell the bodily fluids. God knows if they have towels in that moist place, let alone baths. And how rife must venereal disease be in King’s Landing with all that going on every night? I suppose there must be a reason why they call it Fleabottom.
Not that I’m one to judge, mind. I was impressed by the commitment to nudity, considering the relative chasteness of the first three episodes, and delighted by the very inclusive nature of the sex pit. If you’re going to have an orgy, everyone should be able to be involved, ladies with gents, gents with gents, ladies with ladies, many gents with many ladies, and so forth. It’s only polite.
But given the episode’s beginnings with Viserys and Daemon making up, and Alicent and Rhaenyra reaching out to each other again, I thought this episode was going to be about reconciliation.
Nope. Nup. Nuh-uh. No-diddly doo-diddly. Not at all.
This episode was about F***ING, or more specifically, f***ing OFF, f***ing WITH and f***ing OVER.
So let’s not pussyfoot around…. er, I mean, let’s not beat about the bush… er, I mean, let’s strike while the iron is hard… HOT! I meant HOT!
The action of this episode appears to have moved on another 6-12 months from the last. Rhaenyra is on her Blonde Ambition tour of the provinces, following her father’s advice to find her own suitable husband.
She is unimpressed with the calibre of contestants who showed up for “Rhaenyra Wants Talent”, in the Stormlands, and unleashes her sharp tongue on the lot of them. Boremund Baratheon, acting as her escort, tries to point out their benefits, but she will not soften.
“So cringe.”
How great was that little Blackwood kid full on murdering that asshole who called him a c***? Love that for him. It was fun that the dying dude spat out a hail of blood as the young Blackwood kid looked like he was about to upchuck his Froot Loops.
And it was a beautiful piece of direction to have that clanging and shouting and stabbing happening while Rhaenyra was storming off pissed that these yokels even had the balls to suggest themselves in the first place.
Rhaenyra decides to pick up sticks and sail for home, cutting short the “ridiculous pageant” by two months. Ser Cristan Cole teases her about how angry King Viserys is likely to be over the disastrous trip, but Rhaenyra’s return seems to be in good time.
For just as King’s Landing is in sight, out of the sky comes Caraxes, majestic, dive-bombing the royal bark. Rhaenyra’s wearing the necklace Daemon gave her back in Episode One, so clearly her uncle has been on her mind. And that’s not the only place he’s going to be…GIFI loved seeing the court get ready for Daemon’s arrival. Normally in these sorts of scenes, the monarch and court are all ready, standing, waiting. This time we saw Viserys don his crown, take his sword and get into position, as the lords and ladies flowed into the throne room, Rhaenyra among them.
Of course, one wonders how she made it there in time when her boat was still an hour away from King’s Landing when Caraxes flew overhead, so you’d think Daemon would have been there far earlier, but perhaps he got stuck at passport control or security screening.
Certainly Westerosi Border Force they didn’t confiscate his bony crown for being made out of organic material, or his sword for being, well, a weapon, because he struts in quite confidently wearing both.
The salt air has either done a number on his regular Targaryen threads, or he’s swapped them out for more practical weather-proof garb - he looks more like an Iron Islander than a dragon prince. He’s also had a drastic haircut, and the overall effect is two-fifths of an emo band.
Held back by the Whitecoats, Daemon drops the sword to the floor and says “Add it to the chair”, in a boss power move.
“You wear a crown,” Viserys intones. “Do you call yourself King?”
Oh, this old thing? Viserys responds. They called ME “King of the Narrow Sea”, because of my heroic victory, which was actually pretty cool, you should have seen me slice up that crab guy, but whatever, I’m awesome, but I still know YOU’RE the rightful king, bro. Sure, here was I getting my hands dirty with a one man attack on a guerilla army, but YOU’RE back at home, drinking wine and being the real hero.
Sure, he didn’t actually say this, but the subtext was there.
Still, it was a nice moment when Viserys embraced Daemon, who put his forehead on his brother’s chest in an act of submission, but one that did give a slight hint of a charging bull.
Viserys acted like a total dick to both his daughter and his wife at the celebratory party for Daemon’s return. To Rhaenyra, possibly understandably, as he’d gone to all that effort to send on the Grand Tour only to have her spit the dummy yet again.
But there was no reason to sass Alicent’s suggestion that Daemon take in new tapestries gifted to the king. The Queen was just making conversation, and Viserys’ took the piss out her right there, with Daemon giggling along. At least Rhaenyra came to the party and said she’d like to examine them privately, before moving to a bench in a symbolic “f*** you Dad” gesture.
It gave Alicent the chance to chat to her one-time bestie, and their reconciliation of sorts was probably the sweetest moment in this episode.
Well, depending on how you would describe seeing Ser Criston Cole’s rounded buttocks, but more on that later.
Poor Alicent is becoming a tragic figure at this point in the narrative. She tells Rhaenyra that she has few friends, and that people see her only as “The Queen”, not an individual with her own inner life. She exists only as a cipher; and this is the first glimpse we see of her tiring of it. Rhaenyra joking in disgust at the idea of being “imprisoned in a castle and made to squeeze out heirs” was a blow to the body of the Queen, which does just that.
Rhaenyra eventually has a post-party catch-up with Daemon in the godswood, speaking High Valyrian to keep their words from the ears of servants. Rhaenyra is onto her uncle - she knows he wants more than just a public show of superiority over her Dad. But he’s not giving the game away just yet. Instead, he probes her unwillingness to marry, for which she has a number of good points: health, wellbeing, agency and a desire for solitude. She may be four years older, but Rhaenyra doesn’t seem to have moved far beyond her episode one plan to ride her dragon all over the world and eat cake.
Clearly this conversation cements in Daemon’s head the concept that there is more than one way to skin a dragon. If he can’t inherit the throne as legitimate heir to Viserys, he can always marry it.
But first he must seduce the Princess, and what better way to lure a guarded, monitored 20-year-old than a spot of street theatre and a marathon group sex session?
Daemon leaves some grubby gladrags and directions on how to use the secret passages in Rhaenyra’s chamber to defy the palace’s role as a “keep”.
She and Daemon hold hands a lot as they criss-cross the streets of King’s Landing. I don’t think we’ve ever heard the Game of Thrones universe use our days of the week (because think about it, that would be weird), but this definitely had a Saturday night feel. Unless King’s Landing is like this every night, in which case it must be like living in the Ibiza holiday season all year round.
Having seen Arya Stark take in some street theatre in Braavos that depicted the dynastic struggles for the Iron Throne in a comedic manner (with way more rhyming couplets), this display seems to confirm that the best source of news in Westeros is the local Mummer’s troupe.
And frankly, I’d love to see our local TV networks incorporate more bad wigs, thick pancake makeup and portable penises made out of rope. Or is Karl Stefanovic already doing that? Not sure, it’s been a while since I tuned into The Today Show.
However Rhaenyra gets more interactive than Arya. When the actor playing baby Aegon is put forward as the preferred candidate for King because of his aforementioned hemp-cock (note to self, excellent prop idea, incorporate into future shows, general around-the-home decorative feature, etc), Rhae-Rhae tries to get the crowd to join her in booing the performers.
No one’s listening to her; but as she points out to Daemon, one day she won’t have to listen to them. She’ll be Queen. Whatever, losers. Then she steals some meat from a street vendor, Daemon pretends to scold her and she runs off for a light-hearted, freeing run. Somehow Daemon manages to keep up even though he’s just striding like Mr Darcy in the 2005 Pride and Prejudice.
Obviously nowhere near as sexily as this.
We should note that the knight that stops her briefly in the street and recognises her was Ser Harwin Strong, who is the elder son of Lord Strong, aka Steven Toast from the King’s Small Council. Ser Harwin was on the hunt in last week’s episode, and if I recall correctly was one of the dudes who looked super turned-on by bloody Rhaenyra’s return with her dead pig.
Not sure where that thread might lead, given how Rhaenyra is later rumbled, but I thought it worth mentioning.
Then things take…a turn.
A very SEXY turn.
A very sexy INCESTY turn.
Having covered both their instantly recognisable silver hair with beanies and hoodies, Matt Daemon makes a very deliberate decision to shed the headgear and go into the pleasure house highlights out. He must know he, or Rhaenyra, or both, will be recognised, but that’s likely half the thrill for him.
First, Daemon leads Rhaenyra past the in-house floor show, in which a group of nudey tattooedy ladies writhe and spin in rhythmic time, in the sort of display that wouldn’t be out of place at a legitimate arts festival.
I don’t know much about art, but I know what I like (nudity).
Then, they venture through some flaps, ahem, into the inner sanctum, ahem. There’s barely any scraps of clothing, but lots of fleshy topography to navigate. Lots of boobs, side boobs, bottoms, side bottoms, front bottoms, and best of all, full frontal long bottoms.
Wands at the ready.
Now I don’t want to suggest that I jog-shuttled my way through this scene several times, but if you pause at 27.48 you might see a chap peeling an apple with his, erm, banana out. Talk about a fruit platter.
Taking her through more flaps, ahem, Daemon tells the inquisitive Rhaenyra that this place is where “people come to take what they want”.
Amidst the daisy-chaining, the rose-petalling, the chocolate-starfishing and the eager-beavering, Daemon echoes his earlier statement that marriage shouldn’t stop one from doing what one wants. Or indeed, whom one wants. For f***ing is a pleasure for the woman as well as the man.
“Hey, we’re related. That’s hot.”
In a not-so-subtle visual explainer, Daemon and Rhaenyra starting to incest up is interspersed with scenes of Queen Alicent, having been called to the Kind’s bedroom by a servant, fulfilling her royal duties in the most unpleasurable way possible.
Viserys, his weird scabs more prominent in a state of undress, thrusts up and down perfunctorily upon the body of “The Queen”, while Lady Alicent lies back and thinks of Westeros.
Except it seems obvious she ISN’T thinking about Westeros, but really her desire to NOT have to think about Westeros, and to think about anything else, anything her own. She’s had a second kid since the last episode, and no doubt she’s evaluating the decisions that have brought her to this point - decisions made for her by others. Frankly, I’d forgive her for thinking “I’d love a bit of hot incestuous rumpy-pumpy right now”.
Back at the sexfest, while it was Daemon who initiated the incestarama, but it’s Rhaenyra who keeps it going. Clearly her insides have heeded the “Dracarys!” call and are now aflame. She’s always been fond of her uncle, and he’s been away for years, so they’re practically strangers anyway. Let the incest commence!
It’s Daemon who stops, leaving Rhaenyra literally with her trousers down. He bolts out of there, leaving her to chase after him in confusion (and allowing a young whipper snapper spy to take off after her).
As I see it there’s three reasons Daemon might have stopped:
1) He had a flash of guilt about bringing his niece’s reputation into disrepute;
2) He suffered issues with his personal equipment, which was hinted at in the first episode;
3) He wanted to get Rhaenyra all hot and bothered and then leave her hanging, wanting more, maybe wanting “it” enough to suggest to Viserys that she should marry Daemon to get “it”.
If it was option one, it didn’t seem to do much good as he ends the episode banished again. If it were option two, it acts as a sort of metaphor for Daemon’s own inner turmoil between his ambition and his legitimate care for his elder brother, and we might see that play out in future episodes.
But if was option three…. Hooo, boy, that was a mistake.
For Rhaenyra storms home and proceeds to pick the perfect person with which to express all her repressed desires… the kind of Cole-fired power you can really get behind:
Now listen, I don’t want to brag, but in every recap so far I’ve talked about Ser Criston needing to take his helmet off to let his beautiful black mane shine.
And here comes Rhaenyra, takes the helmet off him to play keepaway - and immediately his hair improves. I’m not saying I’m a genius, but I’m also not NOT saying it.
This move is obviously risky for both of them: virginity is a prized and required possession for an eligible princess; and incoming Kingsguard members swear an oath of celibacy. Plus there’s probably some bullshit treason law about having sex with the Princess that could see Criston’s Cole chopped off.
This clearly weighs on him as Rhaenyra plants kisses on him and begins removing his armour. You see him carefully fold his cloak over the back of a chair, and gently remove his chest and shoulder guard and place it on the floor. He pauses, bent double, for a moment, and then makes a very definite decision that yes, in fact, he does want to kiss the Princess back… and more.
Because not only does he feel indebted to Rhaenyra for his position and station at court, he actually likes her as a person, as evidenced by their friendly boat banter on the way back to King’s Landing after the disastrous dating tour.
Their sex scene was pretty damn sexy, and a stark contrast to what we saw Alicent deal with. Ser Criston is tender and soft, with an excellent buttock crevice, and is very happy when Rhaenyra takes charge on top. Here is direct genetic evidence that points to why Daenarys adapted so well to the cowgirl position.
But while Rhaenyra has an enjoyable evening spinning on the Cole Pole, the night doesn’t seem to go as well for Daemon. He wakes at dawn in some sort of semi-exposed cellar with Mysaria offering him tea. “I’m your protector, lucky for you,” she explains, but he refuses protection from “a common whore”. Mysaria reveals she’s left the skin trade behind - and we see her paying the young lad we saw spying on Daemon and Rhaenyra the night before.
Mysaria seems to be setting herself up as some sort of Lord Varys-style Mistress of Whispers, as the code name “White Worm” was dropped, and that same lad turned up to meet Otto Hightower, who then took the news of the to King Viserys.
This scene was so awkward, as Viserys - whose dishevelled brown housecoat ensemble reminded me of Luke Skywalker drinking that weird blue milk straight from the teat - forces Otto to spell out exactly what happened in “the bowels of a pleasure den”. But Viserys surprises Otto, calling him out for having his daughter stalked, in an obvious attempt to discredit her so Alicent’s son Aegon can be made heir instead.
Otto is hard to read here. He clearly thinks he made the right call as Hand to call out Rhaenyra’s behaviour. But he also starts to realise maybe this time he’s pushed a step too far. He thinks the rumour is enough to stop Viserys loving his daughter, but he once again underestimates Viserys’ credibly constancy on this matter.
Either way, Viserys denounces the information as gossip and sends Otto away, revealing the eavesdropping Alicent.
Was it just me, or was there the *teensiest* hint of jealousy in Alicent’s attitude when she confronted Rhaenyra about the affair? Certainly we’ve never heard Alicent use the word f***ed before, but here she deploys it savagely, stunning her friend-turned-stepdaughter with the cold hard rumour.
But Rhaenyra has inherited - possibly from another shared ancestor with Daemon - a breathtakingly good ability to lie.
She only wobbles slightly before protesting at the rude and inappropriate slander visited upon her character. It’s impressive how easily Rhaenyra lies about her assignation with Daemon. She admits to drinking in taverns, and going to a brothel and watching, but insists Daemon took off with a whore. She knows the key to a good lie is incorporating as much of the truth as possible, but “Daemon never touched me”? That's some stone cold fibbing right there.
Alicent rebukes her for being reckless, and Rhaenyra makes sad eyes and agrees she regrets the incident, and will be more careful in the future, and also don’t mention Criston at all, la-la-la-la, nothing to see here.
Viserys is double-DONE with his recalcitrant younger brother, hauling the hungover prince over the cold stones of the throne room.
Daemon says they both f***ed their way through the Street of Silk when they were younger, so why the double standard for Rhae-Rhae? Ah, but she’s a girl, and your niece, Viserys responds. OK then, FINE, Daemon shoots back. You promised me a present for recapturing the Stepstones - I want to make my niece my second wife and get this House of the Dragon back to its glory days.
There’s an interesting dynamic at play here between the brothers. Viserys has the weight of appearances, allies and agreements to think about, whereas Daemon is all about might is right. Who cares what the lords think about Rhaenyra’s virginity when you ARE the dragon? Viserys of course sees his power entirely through the frame of the Song of Ice and Fire prophecy. He can’t afford the “restless and chaotic” elements of the Targaryen nature to flame out and die - he needs that campfire burning for a few hundred more years.
By the way, it’s interesting that Viserys uses the phrase “in this condition” to refer to Rhaenyra. That’s not a phrase you would typically use to indicate “not a virgin”. That’s a phrase you would use to indicate “Totally knocked up”, which means either Viserys already believes Rhaenyra and Daemon did the deed, or he’s seeing how his brother will react and use that as a confirmation or denial of the hook-up.
Viserys ends the conversation/beatdown by banishing Daemon back to The Vale and his lawful wife. He suggests Daemon try to regain a scrap of honour, but doesn’t really care, just as long as he doesn’t come back.
So that’s no more than 24 hours back in town, and Daemon gets exiled again. The guy is definitely a storm in a port.
Eventually father must confront daughter, and Rhaenyra fully expects to be disinherited because of “lies”, the cheeky lying beggar. But Viserys has irons in the fire he’s not willing to compromise.
Removing Aegon the Conqueror’s knife from the flames, he tells Rhaenyra to read the inscription, made visible by the heat like invisible ink: “From my blood come the Prince That Was Promised, And His will be the Song of Ice and Fire.”
Gosh, if only someone from Game of Thrones had thought to put that thing in a BBQ.
Viserys is playing a long game, and Rhaenyra got drafted. She can’t be benched now.
But she does have to pay a penalty - no more getting to choose her own husband. She’s going to marry Ser Laenor Velaryon, the Sea Snake’s son, in order to unite their houses and avoid Lord Corlys going off and doing a marriage deal with his daughter and the Sealord of Braavos.
Rhaenyra agrees, but only if Daddy steps up and cuts off the Hand that’s been feeding him. Like Daemon before her (although stopping short of also calling him a c***), Rhaenyra sees through the perception filter that Otto seems to have over Viserys, like Jafar with the Sultan in Aladdin.
She demands he do his job and carve out the rot. And maybe it had to come from his beloved daughter to start to sink in, because Viserys kicks Otto out on his ass.
It had to be Rhaenyra to prick him into action, because she is Aemma’s daughter, and Viserys has never recovered from Aemma’s death. She lives on in Rhaenyra, and he values that familial tie. Finally, he’s able to realise Alicent was a well-timed distraction sent to help him get over the worst of his grief. It’s taken four years, but finally Viserys has clocked that Otto has indeed been playing him like a scabby fiddle.
We get a history lesson too, as it turns out Viserys’ father Baelon the Brave was due to be named Hand of the King to his own father Jaeharys but died tragically during a royal hunt. He doesn’t spell out exactly what happened, but implies Baelon’s “burst belly” - so sudden for a healthy, active, highly-skilled dragonrider - was good timing for Otto, who was named Hand instead.
“You were the man who taught me how to be King,” Viserys tells his long-serving prime minister. “But I no longer trust your judgement.” This split it not easy for Viserys, who feels loyalty to his friend. But he has to put the realm first, and the realm’s future is in Rhaenyra, not Otto.
Viserys has made his choice. And now he makes another one for his daughter.
He has her sent a pot of tea, brewed carefully by Grandmaester Mellos Yellos, that will rid her of any “unwanted consequences”.Alicent believed Rhaenyra; she argued that Daemon was lying because smearing Rhaenyra’s reputation would make Viserys look weaker. Viserys threatened his daughter with disinheritance for the scandal, but buckled because of the prophecy.
Maybe he wanted to believe her innocence; maybe he decided to be pragmatic and make sure no child could impact plausible deniability. He thinks it would be Daemon’s child; of course, we and Rhaenyra know it would have been Ser Criston’s.
Either way, it was Viserys’ choice, not Rhaenyra’s.
The body of the future Queen must do its duty.
Yay! Best Moments
I mean, you know, come on. Clearly it’s sexy times. We love sexy times. But also Otto being given his marching orders was pretty damn satisfying. Also, a tiny little detail I can’t find anywhere else to mention, but Rhaenyra starts the episode wearing the necklace Daemon gave her; but after their night out, she stops wearing it. Nice bit of detail, that.
Zing! Best Lines
Viserys: “You will wed Ser Laenor Velaryon, and you will do so without protest.”
Rhaenyra: “The son of the Sea Snake? So I can be a remedy for your political headaches?
Viserys: “You ARE my political headache!”
Eww, gross
Somehow I totally missed that Viserys had lost TWO fingers in episode three. Apparently there was a blooper in one scene which showed he still had the green-screen glove on the digits that were supposed to be edited out. I’d been looking carefully for signs of his continuing disintegration so I was most upset with myself for not catching that one.
Now, Viserys has to have relieving baths to ease the irritation of whatever it is that’s making him fall apart. It’s a slow-moving body horror and I’m fascinated to see how bad it’s going to get.
Boo, sucks
Rhaenyra makes such a good point to Viserys about the sexual double standard imposed upon royal women. Rhaenyra protests to her Dad that were she male, she could bed as many women as she wanted and father an army of bastards.
“For sure,” he says, “but you’re a woman, so like, no.” Unlike Daemon, who appears to have considered the philosophy of virginity and decided it was pointless, Viserys remains in the misogynist mindset.
This double standard still exists in so many places in the world, and I don’t need to tell you, readers, that it’s more than a little bit completely stupid.
Thank you so much for reading, kittens! Remember you can find my Patreon here and sign up to throw a few bucks per month my way while the season is running. The support is incredible, and I cannot thank you enough!