The appearance of Remus Lupin last episode seems to have been somewhat of an omen, as this whole thing has turned very Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
It seems our Goth friend Morpheus will take it an episode at a time to retrieve his Horcruxes - sorry, his sacred vestments or tools or Macguffins.
And yes, I know that Neil Gaiman’s work precedes J.K. Rowling’s, but I’m pretty sure the quest stuff is all just J.R.R. Tolkien remixes anyway. Thank goodness our friend George R.R. Martin didn’t go too much into the questing in Game of Thrones. Well, apart from everyone questing after the Iron Throne. And boobies.
My own quest, obvs.
This episode is all about our Sad King finding his lost bag of sand, and the woman who knew where to find it: Johanna Constantine (not Constantine).
Jenna Coleman doesn’t seem a… natural pick for the role of Johanna Constantine (not Constantine).
Perhaps that’s just me - I know her best as the sweet but clever companion Clara Oswald in Doctor Who, and as the sweet but clever queen in Victoria. She seems a bit too… school prefect-y for the edgy, crafty, little-bit-Cockney-geezer demon hunter Constantine (not Constantine) is supposed to be.
She struts into church having been called out by her priest friend “Ric the Vic” (shortened from Erica, so why not ‘Rica the Vicar’? Better rhyme in my opinion) for a semi-routine exorcism on a member of the British royal family. It’s a princess, daughter of a duke and duchess, which at this point in history must make her either Beatrice or Eugenie. They’re daughters of Prince Andrew, so the idea that they might be consorting with demons… oh.
Oh yes - I finally figured out this series is actually set during the present day, or near enough, not the 70s or 80s like I’d been theorising. Old Ethel says later her amulet’s kept her alive for 116 years; but it was Constantine talking about texting while fighting demons that gave it away.
Turns out it’s just a recurring nightmare in which she loses a young girl to some sort of fiery hellmouth. She’d tried to give the girl’s Dad a hand after he led a satanic ritual gone wrong; but it turned out the girl left her a hand instead.
Meanwhile, since when did the Church of England start dealing in exorcisms and demonic possessions? I thought Anglican vicars were all about cake or death, and the power-of-Christ-compels-you stuff strictly the realm of the Catholics. The whole point of Protestantism was that they DIDN’T speak in Latin, and yet here’s Constantine ixnaying-on-the-ombreing all over the place.
“Uck-fay off ack-bay to ell-hay.”
It works, but the demon is not inside the ice cold nameless princess determined to marry her hot footballer boyfriend before The Firm finds out about it. It’s inside HIM, which probably explains a lot about professional footballers. You can’t tell me David Beckham didn’t sign some sort of Faustian contract in order to become a champion player AND Mr Posh Spice.
Clearly sorcery.
Constantine manages to break the demon out while conducting a fanciful Latin wedding ceremony, but Sandman shows up demanding she let him interrogate the cranky creature. Mr Pink Lips (quite bright this episode, and I definitely noticed an overlining of the Cupid’s bow) knows his helm - aka his elaborate gas-mask headpiece - is in Hell, and he wants the demon to tell him more.
But Cockney Geezer Constantine is not here for mercy, she’s here to kick bubblegum and blow ass, and she’s all out of ass…errrr.
Point is, our demon is gets very exploded, and Sandman ain’t happy about it.
“You have no idea what you’ve done,” he intones, but after what happens next, it seems like… nothing much? They go on to find the bag of sand, and he chuffs off to Hell anyway?
But before I jump too far ahead of myself, let’s talk about DCI Vera Stanhope.
Who wore it better?
Yes! I know! I couldn’t believe it either! How nice of Northumberland & City’s sharpest but shabbiest detective to make a cameo as a random 280-year woman who just so happens to know the King of Dreams is back from his imprisonment.
You might think I’m joking about DCI Vera Stanhope but Hettie being a really good detective is the only reason I can see as to how she’d know this information. I mean, is she a witch? Is she a spirit? Is she a Daily Mail reporter under cover?
All we know is that she hangs around outside churches waiting for Constantine to show up then lecture her about being nice to Morpheus.
Morpheus does insist Constantine help her, but she’s NOT INTO IT BRUV. She just wants that sweet establishment coin and to be left alone. In fact, she uses the appearance of Dream’s latest stalker raven to slip from view.
Raven, I hear you say? But Caesar Rom-emo very definitely did not WANT a raven! He said it himself last episode.
But Matthew the raven has something to say about that.
Yes, a talking raven, apparently. One that sounds like Patton Oswalt.
Jessamy didn’t talk, but apparently new raven Matthew does, because he was recently a real-life fairly crappy human who’s found himself not only dead but anthropomorphised into a bird.
I don’t know why Lucienne would send an inexperienced chick to do a veteran bird’s job, but it’s too early to see if she’ll… egret that decision.
Dream insists Matthew return to The Dreaming, but he already knows every argument Sadman, sorry, Sandman puts up and insists on staying - at least to help him get his bag of sand back.
So they turn up at Constantine’s place to find her recovering from another nightmare. She realises that he’s not just a hot goth with gravity-defying spiky hair and his trenchcoat collar turned up for fashion (well, it can’t be against the cold like DI Jimmy Perez, he’s an immortal being for goodness’ sake).
Who trenched it better?
I do like the fact she called Roderick Burgess a rival of Aleister Crowley. It made me feel very smug about my reference to ol’ Beast 666 in my first episode recap, and being smug is what writing is all about. Isn’t that right *insert annoying writer’s name here*?
Constantine seems to love going on about how bad she is as a person because she’s a gung-ho demon hunter who’s TOO DANGEROUS TO LOVE, but she’s all talk really.
When Dream accompanies her to get the sand back from her most recent girlfriend, whom she ghosted six months previously, she’s devastated that she is emaciated and weak.
Now Sandman veterans, you’ll have to help me out here as I got a bit lost with this part of the story.
Dream lets her go up to see her ex Rachel alone, because Constantine convinces him Rachel will slam the door in her face and he’d better stay put. He agrees to this, so spends the next half hour listening to Matthew the raven telling him no human can be trusted and they’re probably plotting against him right now.
Rachel seems happy enough to see the woman who went to work six months earlier and never returned - so much so they start making out. But then Rachel’s face starts crumbling and she turns into sand, and Dream is standing right there.
So that was Constantine having a dream, but how? Did she just fall asleep at Rachel’s front door? Did Dream, sick of Matthew’s raven on (that’s the name of the recap!) cast a dreamy sleepy spell on her?
Constantine demands Dream help Rachel, who has held onto the bag of sand because it’s obviously given her a dreamy connection to Constantine, the woman who left her. But as Dream says, the sand wasn’t meant for puny humans, and it sapped away her life force. There’s nothing he can do. However, he tells Rachel to wait outside and he uses his newly-retrieved sand to give her a last, beautiful dream, of her and Constantine cuddling in a field.
Constantine seems grateful; also because Dream doesn’t seem to think she’s as bad a person as she’s telling everyone she is. Certainly not as bad as Roderick Burgess. She seems to move in closer to Dream, which suggests to me that she’s going to be the romantic interest for Sandman, if that’s possible. I’m sure traditionally The Endless probably don’t go in for certain aspects of their, ahem,”physical manifestations”, but this is TV, and I assume by now everyone is keen for a Hot Goth Sex Scene. Particularly any actual goths remaining in society. Those guys and gals are waiting to CASH IN.
The other storyline of this episode continues on from the last one, with Ethel Cripps trying to get her son Professor Lupin to hand back the ruby and protect himself from The Sandman.
He maintains he altered the stone so that only he can use it; but she says the last time he did that people died and she needs to protect him.. They seem to be at a stalemate, but about halfway through the episode he abruptly seems to forgive her, saying they had some nice times together when she wasn’t hooking up with dodgy dudes.
Now that sounds kind of stupid, considering that whole scene in episode one where Ethel dangles the ruby over her newborn’s head saying “We’re going to make our own dreams come true”. Why would she rely on a bunch of no-hoper dickhead boyfriends? Corinthian said the ruby could be used to manipulate people, so how did she end up on the crap side of crap boyfriends? Manipulate yourself a CARING HUNK, girl.
No, not that one, he’s mine.
To prove her love to Johnny, she removes her own “Amulet of Protection” (really? They couldn’t think of anything better? Something in Latin, or Ancient Greek? The iProtect? The Exterminator? The No Demons, No Problems? The Norton? The Astro Zeneca?) and gives it to her son, even though it’s a Kate Bush in Game of Thrones situation in which the necklace was concealing her true age.
Speaking of Kate Bush for a moment, I just want to say that we were all holding the candle for the faerie-voiced chanteuse for YEARS through my Game of Thrones recaps. I made so many Kate Bush references, including to Running Up That Hill. Then Stranger Things whacks it in an episode and all of a sudden she’s the new hotness. We were out here doing the WORK people, and these pretenders are riding on our soft, flowing, ethereal coattails. Pat yourselves on the back.
Anyway, Ethel apologises for being a “shit mum” (mother guilt being so ingrained in women they must apologise for existing even when dying) and rapidly decays in front of her son.
He’s upset, but the security guard on duty is suspicious to find a corn husk of a corpse where once was a vibrant centurian-and-a-bit. He tries shooting Johnny, but I guess the Amulet of Protection works on non-supernatural beings too, as the security guard explodes like a pinata.
Two more security guards follow suit, leading to a fabulous cut shot where Professor Lupin exits the elevator in what can only be described as “Endometrium Leaving the Body”.
Dazed and confused, Johnny makes his way outside the prison/hospital/holding facility to find himself confronted by a three-times photocopied version of Matthew McConaughey. The Corinthian, aka Captain Bland, offers Johnny his thick black coat to keep him warm, revealing his own Blandy McBland brand beige jumper. “I just want to get where I’m going,” Johnny says. “And I just want you to get where you’re going,” The Corinthian replies. I’m guessing that somewhere is Destroy Sandman Forever-ville.
The episode wrapped up with Dream once again telling Matthew to rack off, and Matthew arguing that if Dream just accepted his company, he wouldn’t have to keep having the conversation about his company.
Dream admits that is tempting, and seems to realise that having Matthew the talking raven with him might be useful given where they’re going.
“And where’s that?” quoth the Raven.
“Hell.” says The Sandman, very very seriously.
“Yeah OK, why not, let’s go to f***ing hell!”
And the pursuit of Horcruxes, I mean, sacred wotsits, continues.
Join us next time as we take a Highway to Hell!
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