Spoiler alert!
THE MUSIC IS BACK! THE MUSIC IS BACK!
DING DONG, KITTENS, THE MUSIC IS BACK!
I cannot tell you how joyful I felt hearing Ramn Djawadi’s ominous cello return for a brand new opening credits sequence.
Obviously the immediate cut to dozens of men being eaten alive by crabs took the edge off that happiness, but that’s OK. Swings and roundabouts, that’s the Hot D way.
In fact, it was only due to Sebastian and his mates scoffing themselves at the smorgas-bros did we have anything resembling gore at all.
OK YES FINE it was super creepy seeing 12-year-old Laina Velaryon tell a middle-aged man she would be proud to have his babies once she turned 14.
But this mostly talky-talky episode was all about ALLEGIANCES. Can they form through friendships or romances - whether convenient or sincere - or is blood the only seal that counts?
The only seal that counts.
It’s apt, then, that blood takes centre stage in the new credit sequence. We see rivers of it pour through a stone castle, or perhaps a stone city. I can’t quite tell whether it’s meant to represent King’s Landing, Westeros as a whole, or perhaps even Old Valyria?
The blood seems to run from a series of circular faucets, or geysers, or some other technical word that is not in my vocabulary. The devices are decorated with golden sigils which I think represent different houses, although I found it impossible to make any out, even though I watched the sequence upwards of 10 times and paused more than people did on VHS copies of Basic Instinct.
There are a few glimpses of dragon iconography, and the blood all ends up in the same place, pouring down to a structure that resembles King Viserys’ own scale model of Valyria (and thanks to Raven On reader Gary for pointing out what that model was!)
Here, the spouts all meet at a well-lit hole in the ground, topped with the Targaryen three-headed dragon sigil, and pour into the tunnel, the golden glow behind them the only hint of the fire in the motto “Fire & Blood”.
UPDATE: Some excellent Twitter detectives have done a breakdown of the opening credits, and the gold twisty devices are all related to characters in the show, because of course they are, because it’s blood, it’s a family tree.
Sure, there was a lovely juxtaposition with the subsequent shot of wine being poured into a goblet as Rhaenyra the Cup Bearer fills orders at a Small Council meeting. But kittens, I’m about to get way too personal for any of our liking.
The airing of Episode 2 coincided with me undergoing a routine colonoscopy. Given my life’s mission to create as much toilet humour as possible, it is fitting that my inherited risk for cancer should come from the bowels.
So given how I’d spent the 24 hours prior to watching this episode - including drinking the infamous “evacuation” concoction - you’ll have to forgive me if rivers of gushing fluid draining out of a brightly-lit hole created a very different vibe to the one I’m sure HBO intended.
But we’re all friends here, kittens, and we all know the importance of BOWEL HEALTH, so if I have to slightly ruin the Hot D credits to make sure you tell your doctor if something is up with your downstairs, then so be it.
Anyway, let’s push on. I mean, let’s start the info dump. I mean, let’s poop out a recap. I mean, let’s get shit done.
It’s been six months since the events of the first episode, and Lord Corlys Velaryon is a cranky man.
He’s just discovered a fourth ship has been captured and crabbed by Craghas Dragar around the Stepstones, a series of islands between the eastern-most point of Dorne and the Free City of Tyrosh. Lys and Myr aren’t that far away either, as you can see from this handy map I cribbed from the internet and helpfully annotated:
Dude of our Lord Corlys is miffed he’s lost a boat, a bunch of sailors and some international standing, and all Viserys & Co can do is pick out a new member of the Kingsguard.
Sidebar: congratulations to old mate from Outlander, whose name I’ve now learned is Ser Harrold, who’s getting Hot in Herre, having become the new Head Guarrd after the previous one popped his clogs in his sleep.
The Sea Snake wants to unleash hell on the pirates, but the ever-so-calm King Viserys is a man of peace, specifically, “I do NOT want a piece of these part-time pirate crimers” (it’s better as a verbal joke, just read it aloud, I can’t do ALL the work). Lord I’M COVERED IN BEESbury chimes in to say a war with the Free Cities would cause incalculable losses.
But Corlys is unmoved. The problem is, Cheeky Bro Numero Uno Daemon has taken over Dragonstone with his Sturmabteilung and Viserys has barely made a peep. What power can Westeros hold over the rest of the known world if it can’t wrangle its own?
Viserys, still chill, tries to reassure Corlys that he’s sent envoys to Pentos and Volantis, two of the other Free Cities, he’s got ships ready to go if needed, but is sure there’ll be peace in our time.
Then Rhaenyra, silent and steady with her serving so far, bursts out with “Dad! We ride DRAGONS! Let me RIDE A DRAGON THERE! We can BURN THEM WITH OUR DRAGONS, DAD! DAD! ARE YOU LISTENING, DAD? REMEMBER WE ARE TARGARYENS AND DRAGONS ARE OUR WHOLE THING?! WHY DON’T WE JUST DO OUR THING?
It called to mind that scene from Austen Powers where Scott Evil suggests to his Dad that he just get a gun and blow the spies’ brains out, rather than assume Dr Evil’s meticulous murder scheme goes according to plan:
Our girl Rhae-Rhae has a point. Big fiery monsters from across the seas are bound to make even the toughest pirates think twice about commandeering shipping lanes.
Oh no, it’s Amber Heardragon!
But also, Rhae-Rhae is a NOT-MAN. Corlys may be all up for a bit of Girl Power, but Ser Otto Hightower is a bit zing-a-zing-huffed by it. He and Viserys decide she should go and pick the new Kingsguard member instead, so off she goes to help Ser Harrrold with the latest instalment of “Red Keep’s Got Talent”.
I love the little touch of Rhaenyra literally being forced to step up to the task, using a step to see over the balcony, even with her heeled shoes.
Rhae isn’t impressed with the boy soldiers she feels have been presented to her; being a bunch of pampered rich fellas who can catch poachers, presumably the clap, and not much else.
So instead she chooses YA BOI Ser Cristan Cole, because he at least was once a foot soldier who blew up towers during some actual skirmishes with Dorne (because if I’m correct, Dorne is actually not a part of the Seven Kingdoms at this point in the history. And no one’s said “Six Kingdoms” yet, as far as I can recall! That is a change I’ll hopefully clock when it happens!).
Now I know I tipped Ser Criston to be a Potential Object of Natalie’s Unsettling Fixation last episode. Clearly the fine features are an advantage, and a blast of texture spray could really elevate his hair game.
Classic helmet hair.
I’m not thrilled about him having to always be in armour now as a White Cloak, but on the flipside, Kingsguards are sworn to celibacy, and we know what happens when you’re sworn to celibacy in Westeros. Somewhere, somehow, you’ll find yourself in a cave.
Glory days in a glory hole….Wait.
Viserys, meanwhile, is continuing his work on the mini-kingdom in his bedroom, and once again, Alicent Hightower is there asking questions and pretending to be interested in the answers.
“You mean you collect them all? And keep them in the original packaging to ensure their future value as collectables? You have ALL the Avengers? Wow, that’s so interesting.”
As someone with an upsettingly large collection of cosmetics and skincare, who might have subjected more than a few people to a lecture about the superiority of chemical exfoliation over physical exfoliation, I am fully aware of my hypocrisy in making this joke. I continue because I’m illustrating that we’ve all been in Alicent’s shoes in one way or another.
There’s a little awkward hand-touching as Viserys drops his dragon (NOT a euphemism) and Alicent picks up the pieces (a soon to be metaphor?).
Alicent offers advice on how the King might better connect with his daughter, from whom he’s been distant since Queen Aemma died. However, she also continues to keep the secret of her Vis-its from her best friend, because Rhaenyra’s Dad said “she wouldn’t understand”.
Oh, Viserys, honey, nooo.
It turns out what Viserys should do with his….er, dragon, is very much on everyone’s minds. He can’t be Queen Victoria here, going into mourning for the dead Prince Albert forever, and only getting secretly fruity with a Highland horseman.
No, he must remarry quicksticks, and get some more Tar-baby-ens into the line of succession.
King’s Landing’s hottest power couple, Lord Corlys and Princess Rhaenys, have a Plan.
Meeting Viserys to apologies for a tough session at the Small Council, the pair highlight how Queen Aemma’s death, Rhaenyra’s appointment as heir, Daemon’s revolt and inaction against the pirates leaves Westeros exposed. A wily old sea dog, he counsels Viserys that one can steer towards a storm, or around it, but one can never sit and wait for the storm to hit.
“What’s your proposed course of action?” Viserys inquires.
Why, a proposal of course!The Targaryens and Velaryons are already the biggest, most powerful remnants of the once-mighty Valyria.
Formally joining the houses through the marriage of Viserys to their daughter Laina would fuse their allegiance into place. Viserys is not an idiot - he can see the potential. Only trouble is, Laina is… um… twelve.
Gosh, it was WEIRD to see Viserys and Laina go for a casual “get-to-know-each-other” walk in the gardens of the Red Keep.
“I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to PLEASE legislate a minimum age of consent.”
There she was, a teeny little thing, clearly briefed to make a good impression by asking about things the King liked, such as dragons like Balerion the Black Dread, who apparently lived long enough to be ridden by Viserys (then died of boredom, perhaps?); and Vhagar, an older dragon who apparently buggered off and has never returned.
Laina stopped to declare she would be proud to join their houses and give him many children, a statement Viserys immediately knew came from the mouth of her father. When he inquired what her mother told her, she replied with the innocence only a child can muster “That I don’t have to bed you until I turn 14.”
Urrrggghhh, maybe it’s the leftover chemicals in my system from the colonoscopy, kittens, but the urge to purge was strong in this scene.
To his credit, the prospect seems wholly unappealing to Viserys too. He says a few times in this episode that he hadn’t given marriage much thought, or wasn’t inclined to marry again, so his loyalties are clearly split between his own preferences and what the realm expects him to do.
Ser Otto Hightower picks up on this in a meeting with Viserys and a bunch of medicinal maggots. King Vis asks for the advice of his Hand and Grand Maester regarding the Laina marriage idea, and the Maester is keen to point out its advantages. Mr “How’s My Daughter Doing In Your Chambers, Eh?” Hightower agrees with Mellos-Yellos’ counsel, but then shakes his head in sympathy.
Oh, it’s unfair, he exclaims. My own good lady wife died, and I couldn’t even THINK about replacing her. By the Old Gods and New that would be SO HARD. And imagine having to marry someone just because you HAVE to, because you’re the KING? Seven hells, hat would suck, not being able to make your own decision *cough* Alicent *cough* my daughter is hot *cough*.
For the Queen That Never Was, she too has the good grace to admit to Rhaenyra that she IS bothered by the idea of her pre-teen getting hitched before she’s even tall enough to ride the rollercoasters at Six Flags Over Westeros.
It’s hard to tell how much of Rhaenys’ attitude to her first cousin once removed (I think I have that right) is spitefulness, and how much is genuinely trying to her against getting her feminist hopes up in a patriarchal world.
Whatever the mix is, there’s no doubt Rhaenys is the cynical Gen X trying to get her Gen Z cousin to absorb some truth bombs.
Viserys will have more kids, at least one will have a penis, and as sure as you can say “Hey look, a child with a penis!” Rhaenyra will be out on her arse. Nuh-uh, shoots back Rhaenyra. When I’m Queen, we’ll create a new world order, she says, looking all the way the spitting image of her great-great-great-great-great-grand-niece-or-daughter-or-whatever Daenerys.
The Future is Female. Terrifyingly Female.
But Rhaenys has been there. Been so close. Had the best claim and everything. And they still picked the bloke for the job. It’s the order of things, she calls it. Rhaenyra says they may have rejected you, Princess, but they bent the knee to me.
“Do they remember that when you’re filling their cups?” she shoots back. OUCH. Gen Z, don’t mess with the X-ers. They have seen it all and they are not blunt.
Let’s talk about the big action sequence of this episode: the confrontation on Dragonstone.
Daemon somehow steals a precious dragon egg from under the noses of their keepers, and leaves a sarcastic note claiming he did it because he’s becoming Prince Dae-Mor-mon and taking a second wife. He needs the egg for their unborn baby, and just so happens to take the one Rhaenyra had chosen for Baelon. After allegedly calling the dead child the “Heir for a Day”, it’s insult to injury for Viserys.
We learn later he made this whole thing up, and was just trying to anger his brother enough to come out and see him at Dragonstone. Poor Matt Daemon’s been fuming away for six months with nobody but his girlfriend, a bunch of psycho goldcloaks and the salt air for company.
Viserys wants to confront his baby bro, but Otto senses a trap and declares he will go instead, accompanied by his best personal guard and Ser Criston Cole.
There, in the middle of the high, winding ramparts that lead up from the beach to the castle at Dragonstone, they meet Daemon and his men. Daemon is cheesed off his brother didn’t turn up, and he and Otto exchange barbs about treason, and loyalty, and blah blah blah of course they all wind up getting their swords out (sadly not a euphemism).
It was hilarious for Otto to tell Daemon he was essentially declaring war on the King and would not survive this, while we the viewers are all thinking “Hang on, doesn’t Daemon have a ruddy great big dragon hanging about?”
And boy, does he!
Showing the exemplary timing Targaryen dragons are known for, Caraxes menaces his way down the mountainside ready to rumble. Otto tells his men to “sheath the f***ing steel”, but never fear, another dragon is about to make an even better entrance.
SYRAX!
Rhaenyra decided to take action into her own hands, bursting out of the fog and into the stand off. She throws the dragon into park, then jumps down to confront her Uncle.“I’m the one in your way, tough guy, so why not kill me and get it over with?” WHAT A QUEEN.
Rhaenyra holds eye contact, and Daemon breaks first. He realises that while his brother might be a bit of a softy, the death of his daughter and heir would see Viserys unleash all the rest of the Targaryen dragons without hesitation. Rhaenyra called his bluff, and he realised he screwed the pooch on that one. He tosses the egg back to his niece, and she happily stores it in their Port-A-Fire Cradle.
With that all settled, it’s time for Viserys to tell his Small Council that he’s decided to take a new bride. But smiles soon get wiped off faces when he announces it’s none other than Lady Alicent Hightower.
It makes sense. We saw Aemma with Viserys at the Harrenhal ceremony where he was named Jaeharys’ heir. He said very honestly to Rhaenyra over dinner that he loved her mother; it was a point they agreed upon.
One can imagine the last decision Viserys got to make on his own was his choice of life partner. Once he was named Heir Apparent, his life would have been full of advisers and hangers-on, yes-men and no-men and three-bags-full-men. Even his Small Council were all urging him to marry Laina, the sensible choice.
But choosing an allegiance with Alicent gives him back some semblance over control of a life that in many ways - some of them literal - is falling apart.
The price of this autonomy will be high.
Corlys, his daughter spurned, called it “an absurdity” and stormed out of the room.
Rhaenyra, who’d made peace with her father over the dinner table about him taking a new wife, was visibly betrayed by the announcement of her bestie as his intended, and stormed out of the room.
And Viserys, who really does seem to have a decent heart, might have to realise that making the best decisions for yourself might mean making the worst decisions as a King.
For the episode concludes with Lord Corlys chatting by a fireplace to a person unknown, breezily hyping the rise of House Velaryon as one of guts and determination. If anything, they’re older and better than the Targaryens - they just didn’t have those flashy dragons.
“I’ve always thought of you and I as cut from the same cloth,” he tells his interlocutor, who turns out to be…. GASP… Matt Daemon!
It turns out they’re on Driftmark, which is the next island over to Dragonstone and the seat of House Velaryon. Lord Corlys pulls no punches in evaluating what he believes is a growing risk to Westeros by the Free Cities and this Crabfeeder they are secretly backing.
“It was never my brother’s strongest trait… being King,” the younger Targaryen brother quips.
But even though this is at least the beginning of an anti-Viserys alliance, Daemon is still loyal enough to his brother to shut down the Sea Snake sassing him for putting parties over politics. “I will speak of my brother as I wish. You will not.”
Chastened, but not deterred, the Sea Snake insists Daemon has a chance to restore his reputation and gain some much needed power. They must work together for success.
“We are the realm’s second sons, Daemon. Our worth is not given. It is made.”
There are no more words from the rogue prince, but we do see a vision of the nightmare that potentially awaits them if they do unite to take on the problem in the Stepstones: The Crabfeeder.
And I’m guessing he’s not the kind of guy you want getting you …in a pinch.
Yay! Best Moments
The intimate scene between Rhaenyra and Alicent in the Sept was quite tender and beautiful. Sure, it didn’t pass the Bechdel test, but at least they were talking about their fathers, as opposed to boyfriends, although in Alicent’s case…
Alicent is clearly more comforted by prayer than Rhaenyra. This seems to fit with the Targaryens as we know them - none of them have demonstrated that they’re particularly pious. When you control actual dragons, the idea that unseen Gods can influence aspects of your life does seem a bit silly.
But, encouraged by Alicent to think of her mother, her father, and how she wishes for her father to see her as more than a little girl, Rhaenyra becomes visibly emotional, possibly for the first time since she called Syrax forth to burn her mother and brother’s corpses.
Alicent’s comforting affirmation that no father really understands their daughter, and they have to make the effort themselves, bonds them further as besties. I mean, it personally enrages me that once again women have to try to make men understand shit because the men sure as hell ain’t gonna try, but in terms of them having a satisfying friendship moment, it was lovely.
Obviously with Alicent about to become Rhaenyra’s new mum that’s shot to shit, but it was nice while it lasted.
Zing! Best Lines
Daemon: Ser Crispin, wasn’t it?
Ser Criston: Ser Criston Cole, my Prince.
Daemon: Ah yes, apologies, I couldn’t recall.
Ser Criston: Perhaps my Prince recalls when I knocked him off his horse.
Also - what’s with all the “mine own”s this episode? Whoever wrote this episode clearly thought there needed to be more Shakespearean feel to the dialogue.
Viserys: “There are times I would rather face the Black Dread himself than mine own daughter of 15.”
Alicent: “Mine own father does not know the language of girls either.”
Corlys: ‘Unlike every other lord in the realm I can say I built my house’s high seat with the strength of mine own back.”
I mean, it’s fine, I guess? But if you forego “thee” and “thou” everywhere, I think you can safely use “my own”.
Eww, gross
Something is clearly wrong with Viserys. The pinky finger Grand Maester Mellos Yellos covers with maggots to “eat away the dead flesh” is the same one Viserys pricked on the Iron Throne while sending Daemon away.
It’s been six months. That little hand piggy is not going wee-wee-wee all the way home.
So after seeing his supperating back wound last week, and now this, what is ailing Viserys?
I mentioned in my S1E1 Sextras piece (hot extra content, definitely worth signing up to my Patreon for!), that it could be a genetic condition, the Targaryen version of haemophilia.
A cursory Google of “What causes necrosis?” suggests infections of puncture wounds or incisions, which Viserys has certainly had, so he could just have a terrible immune system.
It is a tangible reminder not only does he not have control over his own flesh, he doesn’t wield it over his kingdom. The health of the body of the realm depends on the health of the body of the monarch.
Boo, sucks
I have to be real with you. I am not sure I am picking up whatever Magical Mysaria Tour is putting down.
Sonoya Mizuno is a fresh face to me, so I don’t know if it’s her acting style, or the accent she’s using, or the way she’s been directed, but something about her scene didn’t feel quite right.
I certainly appreciate her character’s frustration at being used by Matt Daemon to lure his brother’s men to Dragonstone; she stormed off beautifully when she realised Daemon had been claiming they were getting married and he needed a dragon egg for their unborn child.
And her response that she followed Daemon because she wanted a life free from fear was intriguing. She’d been bought and sold throughout her life; she made an alliance with Daemon because she thought he could protect her. Instead he’s dropped her in it.
So clearly I’m not passing total judgement on Magical Mysaria Tour just yet, but I am keen to see her character develop.
Also - I can’t help feeling for Matt Daemon’s first wife. I failed to mention last week how Daemon had compared the ovine occupants of The Vale as more shaggable than the women; and this week he doubles down, saying he did not choose the wife he has.
I’m not sure if we’ll ever see this woman, but girl, I hope you’re living your best life on The Vale’s most popular dating apps.. You deserve better than this Targaryen F*** Boi.
Thank you so much for reading, kittens! Remember you can find my Patreon here and sign up to throw a few bucks per month my way while the season is running. The support is incredible, and I cannot thank you enough!