Greetings, weary travellers along the King's Road. If you're anything like me, you have spent the past 10 months simply dozing through life, feeling that slight sense of numbness that comes without a weekly spin on the Westerosi wheel of fortune.
But fear not! For you have tossed your coin, declared "Valar Morghulis", and lo! Game of Thrones has returned.
And what would obsessive fandom be without a recap blog? So get your rattle shirts on, and let's get cracking on the first instalment of Raven On, the punniest Game of Thrones recap around.
First, some ground rules for these recaps. There WILL be spoilers, so only read on if you've seen each week's episode. Also, I'm writing from the point of view of someone who is discovering the story through the TV series, then reading the books afterwards. So I have read Books 1 and 2 by George R. R. Martin, but have no idea what's ahead. Comments are absolutely welcome, but keep them to current events – you don't want to be described as a "Joffrey-style douchebag", do you?
The Game of Thrones series opener has to be a workhorse. It has to both remind you of where all the characters were last placed then update you on how they've been travelling.
For Samwell Tarly, that means slowly and coldly. Gasping for breath, he nearly falls victim to a White Walker until boom! Ghost turns up to gently savage the creature, before his fellow Night's Watchmen set fire to it.
Now I love Sam to bits – he's one of the few genuinely good people in the world – and I wanted to take him to my bosom as Commander Mormont chastised him for failing to release the ravens.
So while the black brothers begin their march south, it's over to Mance Rayder's camp of free wildlings, where Jon Snow spots his first giant with a large bone, and continues to be beguiled by the sassy Ygritte.
Mistakenly kneeling before the fiercely bearded Tormund Giantsbane, Jon is laughed at by the real King Beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder, who tells him in fact no one up there kneels at all (presumably because they'd get frozen in place). Jon's mission, of course, is to infiltrate the so-called "free" people, and he manages to sidestep Mance's perceptive questioning by talking some bollocks about "fighting on the side of the living". He didn't really answer the question, but who could not fall in love with Jon's smouldering eyes (and, I assume, abs)?
Meanwhile at King's Landing we have BOOBS (sound the BOOBS alarm!), and Bronn on the receiving end. I thought this actress was a bit wooden (oo-er), but my partner looked at me quizzically and replied "She seemed perfectly fine to me". Fair point.
Bronn is summoned from his pleasure dome to attend Tyrion, who's been having a rather awkward chat with big sister Cersei, who categorically refuses to learn any life lessons, ever. Instead of trying to curry favour with her brother by praising him, she insults him and demands to know if he's going to spill the beans to their Dad about that whole, you know, incest thing.
Tyrion doesn't – instead, he winds up having the most stilted father-son conversation since Adam asked Cain where Abel was. More on that below.
Across the sea, Daenerys' dragons are slowly upsizing, thanks to a ready supply of fish and an in-built instant barbequing capability. But it's not enough to win back the Iron Throne, and Jorah has her thinking about slave armies readily available for purchase in Astapor – even though she's appalled by the eye-watering brutal way they're trained.
Sansa is still dreaming of escape, and utters a beautiful line to Shae as she explains why she makes up stories about where ships leaving King's Landing are going: "Because the truth is either terrible or boring". My heart just breaks for Sansa sometimes. Baelish (boo! Hiss!) reckons he can spirit her away on a ship, but his assistant Ros seems to have her doubts.
Speaking of seamen, Sir Davos Seaworth is alive! Who knew?!?! I thought he'd been a goner at Blackwater Bay, but no, a bit of sunburn and facial blistering aside, he's fine! Picked up by Sallador Saan, he demands to be taken back to Dragonstone to face down Melisandre (aka 1980s chanteuse Kate Bush). Stannis looks like he's aged a decade, but he hasn't grown any wiser, ordering Davos be imprisoned after he tries to knife the red priestess in the back.
At one point, Sallador urges Davos to keep away, saying "Stay alive a little longer my friend." It's a thought somewhat echoed up in Harranhal, where Robb "King in the North" Stark and his men have come across 200 corpses, Northmen butchered by the Mountain. Talisa, his secret missus, tells a survivor he's "lucky to be alive". "Lucky?" he can only ponder as he stares at the carnage around him.
To me, it showed the theme of this first episode back was "Life: Who Has It, Who Doesn't, and Why It's a Mixed Blessing Either Way".
Yay! (Best Moments)
I ADORED Margeary Tyrell's winsome charitable mission to the Fleabottom orphanage. She's like a Princess Diana/Kate Middleton mash-up – all wide-eyed prettiness and hopeful platitudes and public relations savvy. And as for that dinner with Loras, Joffrey and Cersei – spruiking Highgarden's mission to help while Joffrey undermines his mother to impress her – delicious.
Bronn remains sensational, whether it be cheerfully demanding more cash to protect Tyrion, or getting ready to gut a couple of oafish Kingsguard.
Ser Barristan Selmy returns! How impressed with herself did Dany look when he bent the knee and apologised for failing to protect the Targyrens?
Zing! (Best Lines)
Tyrion, on being told he doesn't need much living space, spits back at Cersei:
"Maester Pycelle made the same joke; you must be proud to be as funny as a man whose balls brush past his knees."
"Jugglers and singers require applause; you are a Lannister." >
For all of Tywin's bastardry, he makes a good point: why should he praise Tyrion for simply doing his job?
Ewww, gross (a skin-crawling moment)
Not much competition for this one – it has to be the nipple slice, which, by the way, is a cocktail I once got offered in Mykonos.
Boo, sucks
TYWIN LANNISTER YOU COLD DEAD-EYED BASTARD. I mean, I love to hate the guy and all, but wow. That epic rant he delivered to Tyrion after he demanded Casterly Rock is possibly the most brutal act of the series so far.
"You who killed your mother to come into the world; you are an ill-made and spiteful little creature, full of envy, lust and low cunning."
I'm pretty sure that's Charles Dance's Emmy-winning clip right there, but still. Instead of utilising his son's brains, Tywin has just confirmed Tyrion as his mortal enemy. Tyrion only has Shae left to lose – I fear once she goes (and remember, no one is ever safe in GoT) he will be completely unleashed.
We didn't see a bunch of characters: Arya and her crew; Bran and his crew; Varys the Spider; Brienne and Jaime Lannister. But then it's a sprawling epic, and we'll see them next week. On the upside, we didn't have to put up with that awful Theon Greyjoy and the Iron Islanders.
Until next week!