Everyone’s favourite festering sinkhole of vice was put to sword and flame on Monday night, by Ygritte and her Wilding chums, attempting to draw out the Night’s Watch in defence of their precious, precious sex workers.
Spoilers Below
Jon Snow’s former squeeze set about stabbing and gutting her way to closure, needing to brutally murder no more than three or four innocent prostitutes, and one who was a bit of a skank, before we began to wonder whether she was quite as nice as we once thought.
Are you kidding!?!
Of course she’s still lovely. After all she didn’t murder Gilly’s little bub. Or even Gilly. Probably. Maybe. Look, I can say with almost comparative certainty that she may not have made a kebab out of Sam Tarly's crush. With only two episodes left this season, poor Sam will probably have to wait until next year to find out.
Also in the too hard basket, is the curious question of whether Grey Worm is as unsullied as we’ve been led to believe.
Too hard? Geddit? Geddit?
Sigh. Look he’s supposed to have had his little worm snipped off some time ago, but Missandei totally caught him checking her out while she was skinny dipping. In a normal TV series this would lead to a whole story arc about their impossible romance.
In Game of Thrones it will probably just end in blood and tears. Like Ser Jorah’s impossible crush.
Is this the secret theme this week? The danger of crushes? Why yes, yes I think it is.
Ser Jorah, besotted with his Khaleesi from the start, was at last revealed as a dirty cheater, who’d been sending mash notes to Varys across the Summer Sea.
Poor Ser Jorah, first Khaleesi friend-zones him, then she kicks him to the dusty kerb, even though he’d totally broken up with Varys and was committed to her and only her now. If only he could explain, if only she’d just let him …
Nope.
And so we bid farewell to Ser Jorah Mormont until his inevitable return, Ser Barristan Selmy style in some future episode. That’s a guess, not a spoiler.
Speaking of unrequited love – no, really we were – it was soon time to check in with Theon and Ramsay.
Theon still desperate for the approval and love of the bastard Snow, and at least for a bit less flaying and torture in their relationship. Ramsay, the bastard, still desperate for the approval and love of his father. And what do you know? All it takes is a little more treachery and flaying and torture and suddenly it’s group hugs all round.
Sweet.
Things pick up from there as we join all our A List faves.
First paying a visit to the Eyrie, where it looks like Little Finger is for the long drop before Sansa does more growing up in two minutes than she’s done in four years.
Somehow managing to tell the truth as she bakes an enormous porky that’d make Hot Pie proud, Joffrey’s former fiancé reveals herself and is transformed from a whiny waste of narrative space to black clad femme fatale.
Also, I think she bonked Little Finger. She totally looks like she bonked Little Finger. And so does he, the smug git.
Please feel free to confirm my completely unfounded theory below, but Lady Sansa looks like she got lucky. At last.
Not so lucky, Arya and The Hound, who finally make it to The Vale only to find that Arya’s aunt has just died. At the hands of Little Finger. Who just bonked her sister. (No, I’m sure of it.)
So good have the scenes between Arya and The Hound been this season that as short and few as they were, they’ve been the highlights of each week for me.
Little Arya is growing up into such a promising psychopath under the care of the disgraced King’s Guard and she delivered on that promise this week with her crazy lulz at the news Aunt Lysa was dead.
The only crushing she’ll be doing is the skulls of her enemies.
Speaking of which … eeeew.
The smack down between the Red Viper and The Mountain to determine Tyrion’s fate was going so well right up until the point where the Viper of Dorne, having humiliated his sister’s killer and discomfited Tywin and Cersai Lannister got a little too cocky and… well, he learned the danger of an unrequited crush.
This can’t end well for the Imp, but it really didn't end well for the Viper.
Zing! Best Lines
Pretty much every line exchanged between The Hound and Arya. As always. But who can go past “I’d have killed Joffrey with a chicken bone if I had to.”
Because you know she would have.
Yay! Best Moments
The Red Viper of Dorne dancing around The Mountain and making him look like a big old fat man in a seniors’ disco.
Ewww, gross
What happened right after that.
Boo, sucks
That Danearys couldn’t understand that Ser Jorah was only spying on her because he was completely obsessed with her. Truly madly deeply obsessed Khaleesi!
Lady Natalie Bochenski cannot join us this week. She has taken ship for the savage lands and is not expected home until she has laid siege to every discount shopping mall in far Kowloon. She will return next week, or possibly earlier if she was still intending to pop into Mole’s Town for some cheap knock offs.